How do we determine who deserves forgiveness? As humans, we have each needed both to give forgives and to receive it. Scripture has much to say on the subject of forgiveness; and the truth is that there are several facets of forgiveness. There are different perspectives from which to view the process and eligibility of forgiveness for ourselves and others. When it becomes necessary to forgive, therefore, we can contemplate our situation from the perspective of: the law of God, ourselves and Jesus.
- AS GOD
Repentance looks like a scary word. Many people have bad connotations of the word because it has been aggressively presented to them. But God never meant the word to be accusatory or used maliciously. He invented the concept for our benefit, so that we would stop being driven by unkind behavior, thus polluting the peace within ourselves. To live without kindness and remorse is an unhealthy life, and God would prefer that we were healthy... sustained by happiness born of kindness.
And of course ultimately, the only people who will exist in the kingdom are the kind. More than reward for the kind or punishment for the unkind, it is just the state of Kingdom of God: Only righteousness can exist within it. Our bodies need oxygen to survive the earth; our souls need righteousness to survive heaven.
Repentance, by definition, means to be sincerely regretful and remorseful. Essentially it means accountability: an admission of a wrong. And to take accountability one step further by changing our behavior. The process of repentance is to admit, regret, and change. And that process leads to character growth and redemption.
So when John the Baptist enters the scene to prepare the way for Jesus' arrival, his plea is for humanity to repent "for the remission of sins", Mark 1:4. You see, though God loves each of us freely, forgiveness has certain requirements. You have to want it. And the person who wronged you has to want it. Sincerely. Enough to regret the behavior and to change it.
And there are times in the Bible when forgiveness was sincerely earned and granted, but the relationship was weaker. There are times in the Bible when forgiveness was sincerely earn and granted and the relationship was stronger. Because there were incidences when people regretted their behavior because they regretted the consequences; they repented because it benefited them to re-adhere to the covenant. And there were incidences when people regretted their behavior because they understood it to be fundamentally wrong and were ashamed. As God discerns between the level of authenticity, so must we.
The less sincere apology requires us only to settle with that person without animosity. They have apologized and meant it, even if not for the right reason. It does not, however, require us to continue to trust or even associate with that person. Conversely, the more sincere apology nourishes the ground of the relationship enough that trust can be re-grown if we choose to try.
The verse, Mark 1:4, from above continues: then all ... went out... confessing their sins. But it is not merely the act of speaking of our sins that God requires in repentance. The confession is between self and God and often, the wronged person(s). The confession is useless if not made to any/each of those three parties. Because the confession is the accountability, the remorse and the commitment to change that enables the remission of the sin.
- AS YOURSELF
Forgiveness if often a difficult concept to wrestle with... and an even more difficult process to undertake. Scripture is quite comprehensive in its advice for every situation, but just in case it did not explicitly address each question we would have, Jesus left us this advice:
‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Matthew 22:37-39
So one: to love God with whole heart and souls means to live and operate within His law. Should we find ourselves in a situation that we are unsure if forgiveness is deserved, we can look to scripture. God certainly has not forgiven all people (Numbers 16:32). He has offered to forgive all (Romans 10:13), He has forgiven many (Revelation 7:9). But He has not forgiven all; there were people who did not want/ ask for it and therefore did not receive it (Joshua 10). There were people who expected it but did not deserve it (John 8:39-44). Their repentance was insincere.
The distribution of forgiveness can be difficult to discern. But with the exception of murders and the truly evil (Leviticus 24:17), God has not given us permission to kill or harm people who have wronged us or made mistakes. He has always discouraged us from malicious behavior. One of God's first charges to humanity was to never descend to the disgraceful behavior of their enemies (Romans 12:2). That is not a way to achieve solution or absolution. So at the very least, if we find ourselves unable to readily forgive, we must not retaliate.
Jesus' second piece of advice from that scripture is to love your neighbor as yourself. This requires honest self-examination. It's easy to guess or say how you would behave in reverse situations. But often our idea of ourselves is more ideal, more polished than we actually are. When in doubt, Jesus advised, do as you would have someone do to you. Very rarely would we actually choose disciplinary action against ourselves, so we have to be careful in administering too-harsh disciplinary action against others. True, they (and we) need it sometimes and it is beneficial. But when someone wants to rebuild a bridge, or even just to apologize for its destruction, we should consider their apology with compassion.
- AS JESUS
And compassion is where it really gets sticky. The final facet of forgiveness is from Jesus' perspective; and His ability to forgive is essentially depth-less. Wrongfully captured, ruthlessly mocked, brutally nailed to a cross next to actual criminals... Jesus asked God to forgive the people responsible for all of it: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” Luke 23:34
Now that level of forgiveness might seem inaccessible to us from our fragile, prideful humanity. But Jesus is the example of the ultimate. Of what we aspire to, even knowing that without Him, we would never reach it. Jesus, the embodiment of the word of God, of compassion, is able to forgive without the participation of the wrong-doer.
In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive someone who sins against him. Seven times? Jesus replied: seventy times seven times. In other words: endlessly. Over and over again. For whether the person actually or eventually regrets their actions, God's justice will and inevitably vindicate the innocent, the wronged and the righteous.
Jesus' relationship was strong enough that He trusted in all of the promises scripture makes: God defends and avenges His children; God ensures that is meant for evil is turned to good for His children; God works all the for the good of those who love Him. And that kind of faith in God renders life so that even when we forgive the unforgivable... the unresolved consequences of their behavior do not prevent resolution in our lives. God arranges the resolution we need to have peace, to move on, to rebuild.
God is aware of the conditions of the world. It's tumultuous down here so life can be difficult to navigate. Jesus therefore said this to us: "I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. God wants us to be harmless... but He knows that by others we will sometimes be harmed. While He wants us to have the capacity for forgiveness, He does not expect us to be unwise about it. To not do harm, but also to be vigilant of the harmful.
He does not want us to allow people to walk all over us. He does not advise or command us to trust the people who have hurt us, or to invite them into (or back into) our homes our families. He only advises us to forgive them. Jesus asks us to love them, too. When Jesus had risen, He did not appear to the people who had wrongfully captured, ruthlessly mocked, and brutally nailed Him to a cross...even though He had forgiven them. He returned to the people who loved Him well. Jesus wants us to be with the people who love us well, too, without any noxious weeds of un-forgiveness in the periphery.