EVERLASTING COVENANT

If we were to sum the Kingdom of God up in one word, the word would be family. God cherishes His family and each member of it. His covenant with humanity, (I will establish My covenant between Me and you and your descendants after you in their generations, for an everlasting covenant, to be God to you and your descendants after you, Genesis 17:7) is a promise of eternal union. 

Not only does God cherish His family in word, He also does so in action. He is present and attentive, leader and provider, counselor, comforter and protector. As so, as we subdivide as smaller families within His large family, God's hope is that we will nurture our families as He has nurtured His. But that is just not always the case and never has been. And so this will be an exploration of what scripture has to say about unions... and separations. 

• BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY

God created the heavens and the earth. He created the seas and trees and the animals. He created Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve are metaphors for men and women, respectively. He created humanity. Concerning humanity: 

... Male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth... Genesis 1:27-28

It was always His intention that we would be fruitful and multiply. In other words, love and create relationships with each other. Unite and create families together. He did not just advise us to do create families, He blessed the undertaking of it. He planned for us to increase. He planned a promised land for us to bring out families into. Family has always been a part of the plan; in fact, the Bible tells the story of a family. From Adam and Eve to Noah and Abraham, Jacob and David, David to Obed and Ruth... all the way to Jesus, who ultimately made all people members of one family.

• ONE FLESH

Separation is not the plan of any relationship at onset. Even in the middle of a relationship-hardship, separation is not the intention, or the desired result. So what does the Bible have to say about pragmatically avoiding that outcome? Well to start, when two people decide to be in a relationship, that union must become the nucleus of their life. 

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24

If marriage is the choice, marriage becomes the priority. The health and stability and functioning of the union does not deny or deprive the other aspects of family in the married couple's lives but does supersede them. And the second part of that verse is to become one flesh. What does that mean? How is that done? The explanation comes in two parts from Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4,

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

Marriage the constant flow of affection and respect. It is owed to each other because each have promised to give it. Marriage was never meant to be a flippant contract.  To unite with a person means to absorb their needs as your own. To work and persist and champion their survival and happiness as one's own. In a way, you become indentured to the person you marry. And unless the love between two people is deep and sincere, that statement feels unappealing or like a chore. But it is the way marriage was intended by God. It's how God loves His family. Jesus used His time on earth to serve His family, Matthew 20:28. Essentially couple should only enter into a marriage if they mutually wish to serve the other. Not to be served, but to care for that other person.

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

This advice was given with the intention that each person would deal more affectionately with the other than the individual would even with themselves. It is meant to be beneficial, not restrictive. In such relationships, it not a scary thing for a spouse to have authority over the other. Just as God has authority of us, it is not a scary thing. Because the decisions He makes on our behalf are only, and always done out of good and selfless intentions. Love and compassion drive His every move.

This does not mean that each become slave to the other. It does not mean that each is the other's master (you have been freed from all forms of slavery by God, Galatians 4:7). If the relationship, or a member of the relationship, suggests that this is the case... that is not a union you should make. Jesus served humanity but was not our slave. God has authority over us but does not strip us of our free will. Not even God makes decisions for us, so definitely nobody else can. And always remember that if one can overrule the other... the other one can overrule the other. Thus what is created is a relationship based on service and compromise. Love and respect. Decisions are made together, sacrifices are made together. 

• HARDNESS OF YOUR HEART

Indeed family is a blessed thing to God, and that which unites in the name of God, "let no man separate." (Matthew 19:6) He wants us to work and fight for the health and unity of our family. But humans are not as faithful as God. And therefore families do become separated. One prevalent reason for this: adultery. This can cause guilt and shame. Sometimes people remain in adulterous relationships because they fear punishment from God. But adultery has steadfastly been the exception to the rule. Once, God even divorced His own people because of their faithless adultery in their relationship with Him! 

And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also. Jeremiah 3:8 

God is reasonable. Much more reasonable than ruthless, strict religions can be to the people who follow them. No religion, church or person has the authority to condemn another person for the dissolution of their marriage. God does not expect a person to stay with a faithless spouse. He wants our unions to be healthy and stable. Adultery corrupts and destabilizes the union; so God's advice in word is not to commit adultery (Exodus 20:14). And His advice in deed, is to not remain with someone who has (Jeremiah 3:8).

As for divorce on other grounds, it too has a precedent. A long time ago. Jesus explains in Matthew 19:8 explains that Moses granted people to divorce because of the hardness of their hearts. It's important, albeit disheartening, to remember that God knows that we will fall short of His mark. And so divorce is not an unforgivable sin. Like all other times we disappoint Him, sincere remorse and commitment to character growth is enough for His forgiveness. 

And it's important to remember that God is not angry because a rule was broken. He's sad because a family was. He had the best intentions for that family and had wished that all people involved did too. But He gets it. He understands the situation as no one else does.

• PAUL'S POINT

The apostle Paul has his own advice about marriage: (paraphrasing) skip it, like I have, 1 Corinthians 7:7. This is not necessarily God's opinion. As we read, God encourages, loves, and blesses families. Paul's advice was given from the perspective of a constantly-travelling preacher. And the letters he wrote were often to people of the same profession. Paul did not think it wise or fair or even adequately possible for a person to maintain a family as well as a nomadic life.

All of that to say, Paul did not think a person should start a family unless it could be their main priority. Paul's opinion is not law. And of course many, many people juggle more things than just one. Not only because they might have to, but because they want to. Faith and kindness and hard work help us to achieve beyond our limits.

However some people are like Paul; they do not have the desire or need to marry; their marriage is to the word of God, Matthew 19:11. Since we know God blesses unions and families, marriages and children are not a bad thing. But neither is the choice not to have those things. Yet, and this is very prudent of Paul to mention, it is better for a person to marry than burn with passion, 1 Corinthians 7:8. In other words, if the prospect of celibacy and singleness is a chore or undesirable to you, do not even try; and if you're going to lust after all as a single person, choose one and love them as a married person.

The upshot: when you marry, mean it. And if you don't mean to marry, don't mingle. Keep the covenants you make by only making covenants you intend to keep. If you were harmed, God will heal you. If you have harmed you can heal. Endeavor to love people well, in union and divorce.

FACETS OF FORGIVENESS

How do we determine who deserves forgiveness? As humans, we have each needed both to give forgives and to receive it. Scripture has much to say on the subject of forgiveness; and the truth is that there are several facets of forgiveness. There are different perspectives from which to view the process and eligibility of forgiveness for ourselves and others. When it becomes necessary to forgive, therefore, we can contemplate our situation from the perspective of: the law of God, ourselves and Jesus.

• AS GOD

Repentance looks like a scary word. Many people have bad connotations of the word because it has been aggressively presented to them. But God never meant the word to be accusatory or used maliciously. He invented the concept for our benefit, so that we would stop being driven by unkind behavior, thus polluting the peace within ourselves. To live without kindness and remorse is an unhealthy life, and God would prefer that we were healthy... sustained by happiness born of kindness.

And of course ultimately, the only people who will exist in the kingdom are the kind. More than reward for the kind or punishment for the unkind, it is just the state of Kingdom of God: Only righteousness can exist within it. Our bodies need oxygen to survive the earth; our souls need righteousness to survive heaven. 

Repentance, by definition, means to be sincerely regretful and remorseful. Essentially it means accountability: an admission of a wrong. And to take accountability one step further by changing our behavior. The process of repentance is to admit, regret, and change. And that process leads to character growth and redemption.

So when John the Baptist enters the scene to prepare the way for Jesus' arrival, his plea is for humanity to repent "for the remission of sins", Mark 1:4. You see, though God loves each of us freely, forgiveness has certain requirements. You have to want it. And the person who wronged you has to want it. Sincerely. Enough to regret the behavior and to change it. 

And there are times in the Bible when forgiveness was sincerely earned and granted, but the relationship was weaker. There are times in the Bible when forgiveness was sincerely earn and granted and the relationship was stronger. Because there were incidences when people regretted their behavior because they regretted the consequences; they repented because it benefited them to re-adhere to the covenant. And there were incidences when people regretted their behavior because they understood it to be fundamentally wrong and were ashamed. As God discerns between the level of authenticity, so must we. 

The less sincere apology requires us only to settle with that person without animosity. They have apologized and meant it, even if not for the right reason. It does not, however, require us to continue to trust or even associate with that person. Conversely, the more sincere apology nourishes the ground of the relationship enough that trust can be re-grown if we choose to try. 

The verse, Mark 1:4, from above continues: then all ... went out... confessing their sins. But it is not merely the act of speaking of our sins that God requires in repentance. The confession is between self and God and often, the wronged person(s). The confession is  useless if not made to any/each of those three parties. Because the confession is the accountability, the remorse and the commitment to change that enables the remission of the sin.

• AS YOURSELF 

Forgiveness if often a difficult concept to wrestle with... and an even more difficult process to undertake. Scripture is quite comprehensive in its advice for every situation, but just in case it did not explicitly address each question we would have, Jesus left us this advice:

‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Matthew 22:37-39

So one: to love God with whole heart and souls means to live and operate within His law. Should we find ourselves in a situation that we are unsure if forgiveness is deserved, we can look to scripture. God certainly has not forgiven all people (Numbers 16:32). He has offered to forgive all (Romans 10:13), He has forgiven many (Revelation 7:9). But He has not forgiven all; there were people who did not want/ ask for it and therefore did not receive it (Joshua 10). There were people who expected it but did not deserve it (John 8:39-44). Their repentance was insincere.

The distribution of forgiveness can be difficult to discern. But with the exception of murders and the truly evil (Leviticus 24:17), God has not given us permission to kill or harm people who have wronged us or made mistakes. He has always discouraged us from malicious behavior. One of God's first charges to humanity was to never descend to the disgraceful behavior of their enemies (Romans 12:2). That is not a way to achieve solution or absolution. So at the very least, if we find ourselves unable to readily forgive, we must not retaliate. 

Jesus' second piece of advice from that scripture is to love your neighbor as yourself. This requires honest self-examination. It's easy to guess or say how you would behave in reverse situations. But often our idea of ourselves is more ideal, more polished than we actually are. When in doubt, Jesus advised, do as you would have someone do to you. Very rarely would we actually choose disciplinary action against ourselves, so we have to be careful in administering too-harsh disciplinary action against others. True, they (and we) need it sometimes and it is beneficial. But when someone wants to rebuild a bridge, or even just to apologize for its destruction, we should consider their apology with compassion.

• AS JESUS

And compassion is where it really gets sticky. The final facet of forgiveness is from Jesus' perspective; and His ability to forgive is essentially depth-less. Wrongfully captured, ruthlessly mocked, brutally nailed to a cross next to actual criminals... Jesus asked God to forgive the people responsible for all of it: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” Luke 23:34

Now that level of forgiveness might seem inaccessible to us from our fragile, prideful humanity. But Jesus is the example of the ultimate. Of what we aspire to, even knowing that without Him, we would never reach it. Jesus, the embodiment of the word of God, of compassion, is able to forgive without the participation of the wrong-doer. 

In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive someone who sins against him. Seven times? Jesus replied: seventy times seven times. In other words: endlessly. Over and over again. For whether the person actually or eventually regrets their actions, God's justice will and inevitably vindicate the innocent, the wronged and the righteous. 

Jesus' relationship was strong enough that He trusted in all of the promises scripture makes: God defends and avenges His children; God ensures that is meant for evil is turned to good for His children; God works all the for the good of those who love Him. And that kind of faith in God renders life so that even when we forgive the unforgivable... the unresolved consequences of their behavior do not prevent resolution in our lives. God arranges the resolution we need to have peace, to move on, to rebuild. 

God is aware of the conditions of the world. It's tumultuous down here so life can be difficult to navigate. Jesus therefore said this to us: "I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. God wants us to be harmless... but He knows that by others we will sometimes be harmed. While He wants us to have the capacity for forgiveness, He does not expect us to be unwise about it. To not do harm, but also to be vigilant of the harmful. 

He does not want us to allow people to walk all over us. He does not advise or command us to trust the people who have hurt us, or to invite them into (or back into) our homes our families. He only advises us to forgive them. Jesus asks us to love them, too. When Jesus had risen, He did not appear to the people who had wrongfully captured, ruthlessly mocked, and brutally nailed Him to a cross...even though He had forgiven them. He returned to the people who loved Him well. Jesus wants us to be with the people who love us well, too, without any noxious weeds of un-forgiveness in the periphery.